It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
