Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
