He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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