I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
