dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
