is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
