Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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