just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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