God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
so much tequila, so little girl.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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