We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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