I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my shit smells like andre
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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