I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
