I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
