I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
