I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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