Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have already put on my inside pants.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize