The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
