Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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