Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
