No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize