I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
