made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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