So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
