peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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