Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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