i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
