I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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