Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
All the doctor said was why
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
