if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
