Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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