he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
