my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
