Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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