capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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