As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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