Who wears a wallet chain?!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
