There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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