I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
