i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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