I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
