Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
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I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
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She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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