We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
