i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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