Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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