I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well I just put wine in my tea
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Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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