had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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