your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sober January is a disaster.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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