Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's get the cat blown out
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
