Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
