apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize