My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
