Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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